Silly Putty

Deep breath.

I'm not sure where to even begin. Life is just crazy.

However, I'm struggling right now. I feel things are just slipping through my fingers. I feel like I'm failing at a lot of things. I don't feel like I'm doing a very good job at the church right now. I feel like I'm letting my family down because I can't just be there are certain times. I feel like a lot of my friendships are just falling apart.

I feel like I'm falling apart. I'm being pulled in several directions. I feel like silly putty and soon it'll break.

Sigh.

I'm not sure how to fix it all. I realize that I don't have to fix it. God will help. It'll just take time.

Still Pondering

I'm not really sure what to say. I just know that right now there's a wave of emotions for me. I struggle sometimes with these situations. It takes a lot for me to really really get upset on my behalf. For others, I know when I should be upset and how to help them. For myself, I don't know. I think it is kind of like the phrase, "hindsight is 20/20." When you look back, you can see things much clearer. Well, for my neighbor I have 20/20.

Anyways, part of me feels like maybe I'm overeacting. The other part feels this: A lot of times, I will bend backwards for others. If someone is in need, I will find time, even if that means that I will push everything back. Hence making me stay up later. Hence less sleep. But I will. You know why, because people matter.

However, there are a few times that I will ask something of others for myself. It takes a lot for me to do that. I'm not sure why, but it's a hard thing for me. Yet, it seems like lately when I do require of this of certain individuals, I am left hurt.

I truthfully can say that I would do pretty much anything for anybody...maybe even rob a bank. So, it hurts me when people can't manage to do that for me. It makes me sad, frustrated, and really for the first time, angry.

I realize that we are all not perfect, and yes, that does include me. I am not Jesus! I make mistakes too, hence why I'm not sure if I'm overeacting. But, I get frustrated at myself because in the end I know what will happen. I will somehow get over my issues and I will offer forgiveness because that is what I do. Now, that's not neccessarily a bad thing, but it's not always a good thing. Because some people will take advantage of this. Instead of learning from their mistakes, they will do it again. And yet, I'll probably forgive again.

So, at the end of the day, instead of really answering any real questions for me, I'm left still pondering. I feel worse than when things began because I now feel so awful for being a little selfish.

But you know, after stepping back from everything, for the most part life is good. It just isn't in this one little part. So, I suppose life is good.

Hot Potato! Hot Potato! Pass it on!

1 Thessalonians 5:19-22

Don't suppress the Spirit, and don't stifle those who have a word from the Master. On the other hand, don't be gullible. Check out everything, and keep only what's good. Throw out anything tainted with evil.

This is a really powerful scripture.

I like this because, I am gullible. I believed a friend, whom I trust a lot, that the Duct tape Bible was completely made out of Duct Tape. I know, I know....that was pretty dumb.

How many times do we take what others say and just take it. We don't process, we don't think, we just believe. What kind of faith is that if we just believe?

Is that what faith should look like? Are we to just believe without ever having doubts?

I don't think so. We must examine. We must see what are beliefs are. We must dwelve deeper within. In that scripture it states, "Check out everything, and keep only what's good. Throw out anything tainted with evil."

When we do this, in the end our faith becomes stronger. It reminds me of Revelation 3:16, "So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth."

When we are cold; at least we begin to search for answers, but when we're hot; we are on fire for God. When we are lukewarm; we take everything in and accept it.

Remember the children's game of Hot Potato? Wouldn't it be wonderful if we were all on fire for God. That we loved so much that we were willing to push our faith? But not only that, but pass it on to others. Constantly sharing the hot joy of the Lord, known as grace.

Kung Fu God

Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking. It's been a strange week. It happens.

Today, I started to work on the lesson for Sunday. I know, a little late in the game, but hey not too late...it isn't Sunday. We are going to watch the movie Kung Fu Panda. Now, I've seen this movie with my 5-year old niece. She liked it a lot.

How is it that we can learn from the smallest of things around us? I'm not always sure, but then again, I'm positive I know. God is in everything.

This story about a panda who thought he knew what he wanted, but didn't think he could accomplish it. Soon, he did. He had to keep practicing. He had support and mostly, he started to believe.

There's times that I question myself and my abilities. I start to wonder, if I'm doing alright. I sometimes feel as though I might be failing. However, I have to stop and smell the rice.

I have to really have it slapped in my face from God. That God has given us these abilities. We are God's instruments. God will guide us through and won't let us completely drown. After all, Jesus can walk on water. Jesus will help us.

I read the story of Moses today. He stands before God and says that he cannot talk to the people. This always blows me away. I mean, God is there telling him to do this. Obviously, if God is saying do this...there's a reason. Yes, it would be scary, but God wouldn't push you to do this if you weren't able.

I say, that I can't believe the audacity of Moses and saying, "no not me, get my brother" (loosely quoted). But, I think back, and I think of those times, that I have stood before God and said, "no not me...get someone else." How will we in our lives start saying, "Yes Lord. You have blessed me with these gifts. I will glorify You!"

Warning: Eeyore Content Included

I'm at the office right now. Usually, I enjoy it. However, lately, I haven't been.

The same thing kind of applies to a few things. There's a lot of good things going on right now, but again, there's times that I'm not enjoying things.

It's really just through the week while I'm at the office, sometimes, when I'm around certain friends, but that's about it. The rest of the time, I'm so on fire and just so joyous.

Why is this? I'm not really sure. When, I'm around the children, youth, and others, I'm usually really happy.

I think it's mostly because in my office, there's not a lot of social interaction.

It's weird, I need more people, but, also, less.

This sounds so nutty.

Maybe, I'm nuts. Right now, I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. But, not really.

There's so many people that want something from me. I'm afraid that I can't deliver. Sigh.

How Spiderman Shops

Today has been an amazing day. I arrived at church, all the sunday school classes were covered, my nursery workers were there, and the plans for the day were already in action. I taught the B & F class. It was really amazing dialogue. We discussed community and what that means, fears that can inact us from being a productive community, and a lot of other things. I was really excited that it wasn't just me talking but we were talking with each other. It was great, they actually had me in there the whole entire time talking!

Worship was a lot of fun. Jason and Jennifer made me laugh...long story with that as well. Jason had me rolling, so when I got up to lead the affirmation of faith, I was really enthusiastic sounding. I'm hoping the adults just thought there was just joy in my voice. The youth knew I was trying not to laugh. The children's lesson went really well. We were talking about mistakes and forgiveness. So, I drew a picture of a stick figure with a pencil. I had drawn the face with the mouth and the eyes switched. So, I had to fix it. So, we talked about how God forgives our little mistakes and will always be there with us. Then, I read the scripture today and Jennifer made me laugh so, again I read with enthusiasm!

I just loved how the day started. I will say children's council did meet...that was kind of a low for the day. It was definately more tolerable than usual. Then, Shannon and I set up for the prayer stations. Then, we all played Mad Gabs, which is hiliarious to play. Then, we went down to the 3C's room. I was so proud of my youth. They did such a great job in worshipping and taking the stations seriously. In fact, they were really impressed by them.

It was neat at the end, we ended up circling up and praying. The music in the background changed to As I went Down in the River to pray. They all began to sing it. It was so amazing to see them so actively participate. It's been really neat to see them all mature and grow in their faith.

They all even helped pick up the room. They totally rocked tonight!

Then, I got to talk with a couple of great friends tonight. It was just a great day. I'm looking forward to the week. I think it is going to be one of God's best blessings yet.

On a different note, this is just funny.

How Spiderman Does His Shopping - neat site with funny stories

Customer: “Excuse me, where is the exit to the street?”
Me: “Take the escalator down to the first floor and go out any of the doors.”
Customer: “Down? I have to go down? But I came in on this floor.”
Me: “Ma’am, this is the 3rd floor.”
Customer: “But I came in on this floor.”
Me: “That’s impossible, this is the 3rd floor. ”
Customer: “Are you sure? I swear I came in on this floor. And you know, the customer is always right. ”
Me: “Unless you scaled the building to get in, I am right on this one.”

Now, I wouldn't be me if I didn't tie this into something. I've totally seen this at church. The members always think it's better to do something like you've always done in the past. The notorious statement: We've never done it like that before. It's almost the same as And, you know the customer is always right.

That's not always true. Sometimes, people do make mistakes. That's why God forgives and we should too. We need to understand that we shouldn't keep a record of all the wrongs. The truth is God made us human. We have free will...we're gonna screw up now and then. That's what makes life so beautiful.

what happens when you have nighttime medicine

The other night, I realized..."Hmmm. I'm becoming sick." I know what a revelation. It only occurred a few days after a friend forced me to drink tea; because I looked sick and didn't sound well. So, I decided, I shall take some nighttime medicine. That should do the trick...sleep and relief.

Well, I began reading while the medicine did it's work. When all of a sudden I hear loud talking and laughing from my roommate. She and a friend came into our house at 11:30. Instead of sticking to one of the rooms far off from the bedrooms, they choose the office.

I get so infuriated with these things. Parts of me first feel this rage (if that's what you could call it), of how inconsiderate is that. I'm trying to sleep and I don't feel good. I just want to sleep and you're being rude. But then the other part feels awful for feeling that. I get caught up in my emotions. I'm not very good at being selfish. But I'm not going to lie. I don't understand why it would be to much to ask for someone to be considerate of you.

There's all of these little things that have been building. I write them off and put them on myself. I say, well, I'm a jerk for expecting that. I'm slowly starting to realize that no, I am not. It's really not too much to expect from someone to be respectful. I am considerate of my roommate...at least I feel like I am.

So, this brings me to the dream I had after this. I finally fell asleep, thank you Jesus for nighttime medicine! I'm not too clear on all the details, but mostly here's the gist:

I'm on a vacation, I think it might be Washington D.C., and I'm with a bunch of my 'friends'. However, during this whole entire trip something kept gnawing at me. Finally, I find myself after a distinct moment leaving and going into the bathroom of where we were staying. I am trying so hard to control everything. I was so ready to go back. I had this huge epiphany, and then I wake up.

Well, I dislike those dreams that leave you all shaken inside. I just couldn't shake that feeling. I started thinking about it some more today. I started looking at the cast of my dream. I realized something, all of the people there were people that lately are relationships having been shifting, and honestly, not for the best...or maybe...who am I to say? Anyways, that did not help me to feel better, I suppose relief. Some of them are friends that I would hate to lose but really when I look at the relationship, it is time to move forward. Things can no longer stay the same. That was part of the dream. Everyone in the dream was trying so hard to remain the same. Any tension there was ignored...it was the elephant in the room.

Wow, so I suppose I shouldn't ever have a nightcap before bed. However, I did have some good revelations...even though, I'm unsure of what to do with them...

Unexpected Surprises

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGVL-b_6vFE

This is a hysterical one. There's times that we start off the day. We have our plan and our agenda set. Well, most of the times. However, there are those days that something just happens to offset them. It might not be bad but it might not be great.

First, there are always those people around us who will make those comments that bring down the mood. However, it is up to us in how we respond. We could allow it to deflate our balloon or we can try and help them out by being really positive around them.

Secondly, in this video, I laugh because of how so many of us will have our agendas set and then God allows our attitudes to be lifted.

Awhile back, I was having a real tough day. I just felt like I was in a rut. It was after class. I went to my car to go to work. When I walked up, the person who parked by my car had parked literally, three inches away. So, I went to my passenger side and was going to climb in through that way. I had a drink in my cup holder. I set it in there to crawl across the front. As I started to sit down in the driver's side. I realized something, quite quickly, I had a wet bum. In the process I had knocked the drink into my seat. I sat there in the ice and water, laughing. Just like that my blues were washed away.

It's amazing how those small things in our lives can really turn a frown...or a drink upside down. Praise God for those small moments in our lives.

You Can't Stop the Beat

I was thinking that I was tired. But not really tired. Then, it hit me! I was beat. Tired to me means that you are worn out in more ways than just being sleepy. Usually, it seems like it's kind of a bad connotation to it. However, beat implies that it's a good sleepy tired.

Today was a good Sunday. I had church, youth, and then I just hung out with a couple. It was just nice. I felt like everyone was on topic tonight. Everyone was participating...even when times were rough. I was really impressed with some of their answers. It allowed the lessons to go in different directions then what were intended. It was just a nice lesson.

Then, after, I got to hang out with a couple of the older youth. They were just a hoot. I love getting to go to Starbuck's (shout out to Thomas...we went to "his" store). It's just neat to get to have discussions that are more in depth and more about their life. It was neat. We talked about movies, t.v. shows, and most importantl, God. It was just casual conversations. Then, we got goofy and took lots of random pics.

It's just is a wonderful day when you can further those relationships around you. And so, at the end of a long day, I have no problem saying, "I'm beat."

From Hairspray lyrics, "'Cause you can't stop the motion of the ocean or the sun in the sky You can wonder, if you wanna, but I'll never ask why And if you try and hold me down I'm gonna spit in your eye and say That you can't stop the beat!"

At the end of a day, you're eventually going to be tired. It'll be sleepy time. So, I would rather enjoy the day and be beat. After all, sometimes, you just can't stop the beat.

Nonsense and Tomfoolery

Encourage one another and build each other up.
-1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV)

I know that picture to the left is completely contradictory to the above scripture...but it makes a great point!

Sometimes in life it is so much easier to see the lemons, the glass half empty, and/or see the rain clouds.

It amazes me how each day people can wake up and see the big rain clouds. Instead, of seeing that the rain waters the plantation, gives animals something to drink, but more so cleanses (unless it's acid rain, but that's a whole another story).

Why is there so much unhappiness? I look around and I see God's beauty everywhere. There's lemonade stands, glasses half full and rainbows. I know all so cliche's but so true. When in our life, someone asks us to do something, maybe we should be more like the Kappa Phi club, and our response be, "I'd love to!"

A lot of times, we are just talk. We aren't actively seeking to be something more. Instead, we like to tear people down. We make excuses and we fuss. As Christians, we are called to try and encourage. If someone is having a tough time, then we try to focus on the positive. Yet, we don't always.

I'm just agitated that people are agitated about working. Yes, there is a limit. There is a time that no is the answer. I struggle with that, but I get it. However, there are some things that are pretty clear. So, why is that we complain about a job that we are paid to do? I'm not sure.

I like that picture and the saying. Because sometimes, that would be so much easier is to cut out the blister. Those unhappy people would be better off complaining elsewhere.

However, as Christians, that's not what we are called to do. It's tough. But, we are to encourage and try to empower one another. Anne Lamott states, "You do what you can. Then you get out of the way, because you're not the one who does the work."

This was such a powerful statement to me. We have to be willing to allow others to step up and lead. You hope for the best. But, if you're leading, then sometimes, we have to get out of the way. We talk about sabbath, yet, we don't do it. This plays into all of that. We don't encourage others around us to help with the different jobs by showing appreciation. Then, the "unhappy" people will either, 1. stay and be continually unhappy or 2. leave and not have learned anything from that experience.

It's important to know that everyone is a community. This means that we are to be uplifting as much as we can to those around us to build them up. So, wherever you are, encourage one another and take time for yourself.

*I know kind of loopy. It's late. But those are my rants at 2:00 in the morning.

Groovin' All Week

The last couple of days has been really kind of happy days. It made me laugh and think about Happy Days the t.v. show. Do you remember that theme?


It's a fun little song. How wonderful it would be if like the song, every day was a happy day. Sometimes, skies are grey, we frown and we're down, sometimes, we get a paper cut. However, even in those moments we should have happy times. I know when skies are grey - I appreciate them because I know soon it might rain! And how great it is to play in the rain! When we frown...it's so sad. But when we are sad, usually, we learn from those moments of struggle. Now, a paper cut. Sometimes, they are so bad, we get a band-aid!! How exciting is that?!? Band-aids are so wonderful because I'm stuck on band-aids and band-aids stick on me!

Pretty much the world is out there waiting for us to go and enjoy the wonders of God's creation! For me...it's time to take a deep breath and allow God's beautiful world fill my lungs.

Remember each day is a day of joy! It should be a day filled with happiness!

This is the day the Lord has made! Let us rejoice and be glad in it!!

Psalm 118:24

Asking too Much

I'm always afraid that sometimes, I might be dominating conversations. I would hate to do that. That is the last thing I would ever want to do. There's a comic bit by Brian Regan. It's about a guy who has approached those that like to talk about themselves.




Those moments that people just go on and on about themselves is tough sometimes. There are times that I listen. For the longest time of my life, that's what I did...I listened. However, now, there are times that I would like to be listen to. People perceive me to be a listener and that is what I'm going to do and I will.

However, sometimes, I like to be able to just be able to talk without someone trying to take the conversation by force. There's a few people like that in my life. For the most part, I'm learning how to cope with it. I've learned that with them I just have to listen. There really isn't a chance of getting to have a conversation with them. It will probably always be a monologue about themselves. Which, I suppose is great, unless you've walked on the moon.

I actually might just be asking too much.

Get Over It

God is amazing. I think of today and just how it has been a pogo stick of emotions. There's been ups and there's been downs. But it seems as though my downs, immediately, like a pogo stick seems to bounce right back up there. But really, it's just because God is all powerful.

Today, here's a few things that went askew. The T-shirts were just plain cray cray. People either did not order the right amount of sizes, kept track, and/or were not happy about the design. Also, people were not happy about the price - because that meant the college students at our church and new members were getting a free shirt at their expense.

Really, I think what gets me all riled up sometimes is conflict.

I'm not a big fan of conflict. I try to avoid it if I can. Also, I prefer to just focus on the positive things of life.

Today, though, I taught a Sunday school class. It was filled with people who are triple my age. It was a neat experience. Today, though their scripture they asked me to teach was James 4:1-12. It was an incredible reminder for me. Also, our pastor preached on Joseph and his brothers and the conflict within them.

There are times in life that we hold on to things that are not worth it. We dwell on those trivial things such as - my friend didn't text me back the forward, someone cut me off, my roommate used the last roll of toliet paper; the last one is important though because that means you have a dirty tush.

Why is it that allow ourselves to be consumed with those things? I know I'm guilty of it. There's time I allow myself to get fussy about things that don't matter. I realize it, so I don't try fixing it with others because they are silly. But, I still allow it to be like a worm in an apple. I allow the worm to keep gnawing at my insides. Which in turn finally rots the apple; which, would be our hearts. James 4:8 says "Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world."

I love that. It makes me realize that I have to put aside my asinine conflicts. I need to allow God to work in my life. I, also, need to work to become closer to God.

A good way to draw closer to God is to focus on the injustices of the world. Not the Bobby got a bookmark and I didn't kind of things but the things that truly matter in this world. There is so much hurt and it's because of people. Those people that interfere and those who don't.

There are people who interfere and make things worst. I don't mean to be self-righteous sounding, not that I know all the solutions. But I've seen people and the "work" they do. Sometimes, it causes more hurt than does it fix it.

But there are so many people in our world that God has blessed with gifts. They have so many skills that go unuse. Because like most, they run. They do not step up to the plate. The sit back and try to mask their abilities. Or sometimes, they say, not I.

I'm not going to lie. I belong to both. We all do. We all, well, hopefully, all want a better place for everyone. So, if you are holding on to conflicts or doubts, they are both are our worst enemy. As our senior pastor said in their benediction today "so, go, and get over it."

Exhaust

Drained. That would explain it I guess. Maybe dunked or possibly, done. I'm not sure at this point. It just is all very much inauspicious. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, but mostly frustrated. It seems no matter how hard I try, I'm not doing enough. So, the more they complain, the more I want to try harder. Which, totally stinks, because it'll never work.

I'm not sure if I'm doing a good job or not. I kind of feel like I'm not. The feedback and the vibe I'm getting from the youth, in general, seems to be like I'm not. I'm not sure what to do. I know that I enjoy doing what I do but something has to give.

It's just a punch in the stomach when you've been working your tail off and you get negative comments. I'm just tired and it is all hitting me wrong. Give me time to recuperate, I'll be fine. Blast it. I always am.

When you feel sad...

I'm not sure where to begin. Do I go through the trials and tribulations of this week? Or do I skip to how I'm feeling? I do not know...

It has been some sort of week. I'm not sure what to call it. Maybe, a snowball week, that might work. Anyways, there are some situations that occurred this week. They are terrible situations. However, they occurred nonetheless.

Nonetheless, I have irky feelings. I'm kind of in the middle. I'm being pulled in all directions of it. It stinks, so I think it would, if I could smell. I have all of these feelings inside.

I really wish I could figure out a way to explain it all. It's just, all of those hard to deal with feelings, you know like - frustration, confusion, exhaustion, sadness, and maybe anger. But all of those mixed together..

I'm sure, sigh, I'm not the only one who feels that way. However, as I walked back from the conference office today, I noticed the sidewalk. Now, the sidewalk was cracked. However, I started noticing that in the cracks, was grass. The grass was growing, so that, the cracks were covered. Then it clicked with me. I feel very cracked right now. However, God will fill me with new growth to fill in the cracks.

Now, from this week alone, I've learned these few things. I've learned patience, understanding, forgiveness, how to stand up for what you believe in, and mostly how to be a friend. I've also learned, just how important it is, to take time for yourself. It's made me realize that I do need that down time every once in awhile. We need that time to process, regroup, destress, debrief, whatever, you want to call it. I know, Steve, you're gloating right now. Yes, I do listen. So, I will work harder on taking time for me. It will be hard. But...I have wonderful friends and family who care.

Even though this situation happened, I do believe that it's all for the best.

Confabulation - What does this mean?

I think back to a few weeks ago and my youth lesson. We sat around the table. We played a game. It doesn't really have a name. It's a lot like telephone but with paper. We each get a stack of paper; enough to represent each person there. \We start off by writing a sentence. It can be as random as you want. For example, The squirrel danced with the chocolate chip cookie. The next person then would draw this sentence. It then goes around, people write or draw according to the previous piece of paper. Eventually, it will get back to you and then you have a completely crazy story.

We did this game. Then, I declared it was time for a lesson. We spoke about how so many times in our lives, we take things from the Bible out of context. We shared examples of how this is done. We examined a couple and did exegesis on it. We figured out that it is important to know everything possibly about a scripture to figure out what it means.

Looking back at this, I realize that this also applies to everyday life. The title of this is "Confabulation - What does this mean?" Confabulation means familiar talk; easy, unrestrained, unceremonious conversation. Or for some people: The unconscious filling of gaps in one's memory by fabrications that one accepts as facts. However, for this point, it's the conversation one. But yet, what does this mean?

I think back to some of the conversations I've had recently. I think of the context of each. Some have been nonsense, serious, ventful, confrontational, and above all, they have been loving. I examine these and many more. I realize that each one has some sort of meaning behind them. People a lot of times say a lot without every using words. I can see times where I have understood what was being said. There are times, as well, that I read to much into it. I realize how important it is to communicate. Not just the big things but the small things as well.

It is so easy for things to be taken out of context. It is so easy to put feelings behind things that don't necessarily match up. How do you manage to listen without losing translation of the message being expressed? I'm not sure. What I do realize, is that, there are people out there with hurt. I will continue to do what God has placed in my heart. And that my friends, is to listen not with my ears but with my heart. I invite you to do the same.

Energizer Bunny

Interpretation means a mental representation of the meaning or significance of something.

Last night, I was dreaming. I woke this morning feeling irked by it. Do you ever have those dreams? You know...the ones that you wake up from and just feel awful about. I do sometimes. There are times when I wake feeling that way and not remembering the dream.

Well, last night, I remembered it. It was not a pleasant dream. It made me feel formidable. I haven't been able to shake the feeling all day. I do for awhile then it comes back to haunt me.

It made me think of other times this has occurred. Over the course of my lifetime, there have been these moments, that have been burned into my mind. I can't shake them.

They are not necessarily good moments. Some are more my imagination at work. I've heard of some terrible situations and my creative mind takes over to put an image with it. For the most part, it acts as reminders. It helps me to remember what I've learned.

This time though it was different. It is acting as a sign. It is a warning sign. It is allowing me to know that I am in need of healing. Working in ministry, there are sometimes unexpectant things that occurr. If you are not cautious and you keep going; you will never deal with the problem.

Our minds are brillant creations of God. Our creator has made us to where we are allowed these moments. It's up to us how we intrepret situations. We are blessed to give different meanings to things for ourselves. A simple act of holding the door can mean several things to different people.

Allow yourselfs to take the time to reflect, intrepret, and love.

I'm Full Time...go figure.

Wow. Soon the end of my undergraduate career will be over. It is hard to believe. I started having these realizations yesterday. We did not have our normal Wednesday. I rolled into the office about 9:45ish. I came up to the office to begin working. I talked with Diana for just a moment. We didn't have worship planning. We planned this week's last week. So, I had the day. I was to meet with the fire marshal and that was really it.

I had a pleasant conversation with Thomas. We got a few ideas going for our youth groups. It was fun. As soon as I hung up the phone...that's the moment it hit me.

I'm full time.

Yes, it's true. I've been full time since August. However, it struck me differently yesterday. I no longer have classes to attend. I will have more time for work. This means I will have the ability to come into the office everyday. This means no more distractions...well.

I'm excited. However, I'm terrified. Already I was putting into the work week sometimes 60 hours. But now...I have more time. I realize that I need to take up a hobby, or volunteer somewhere...something. Otherwise I will live at the church. I don't need to do that.

So, I will do what I do best. I will plan. I will form some plan of action of the routines that will soon enter into my life. However, I am thankful that is summer. This means the transition will not be too bad. I will have plenty of days to kick back and relax. Wow...that's foreign.

So, I suppose I'm full time...go figure.

Confessions of a So-Called "Saint"

I know it's been awhile since I've been on here. Part of that reason is the fact that I pretty much write outlines of sermons on here. Since, I've been working on one...I didn't want to get clouded. However, that one is well on it's way. Here it goes.

As I write this...I just want to cry. There isn't anything that I should cry over. I just feel like crying. I realize some of why I want to cry, but it seems pointless. I don't think it would make me feel better...I'm not sure.

It has just been a long day. I worked a ten hour day. I'm not sure how; but I did. It's me. I am a problem. No, wait. Expectations are a problem. Everywhere you turn....there they are.

I have them from myself, my family, friends, co-workers, youth, everyone. I'm expected to be happy, perky, and delightful 24/7. I am to accomplish all things, take care of everyone/thing, never be upset, I expect myself to do these things as well. It's unrealistic...I know. That's why I am crazy.

Sometimes, I wish, maybe even pray, that I could just rebel. However, I just don't know how to. Sure, I could tear up some paper and maybe swear like a sailor. But we all know the end result, there I would be; picking up the paper to recycle it and repenting of my horrible words.

I see people just get so caught up in their emotions of anger and sometimes I wish I could share in that experience. If I were it would not be natural. In fact, that would mean that I was not fine. I suppose the whole world would explode if I were to not be freakin' fine!

This blows.

This is why I am not a saint.

However, it's FINE. I will be FINE...just like always...I'll do my duty and I will save the whole freakn' world again.

Did I Deny them?

Tonight, after working nursery, Tim and I went to Starbuck’s. There, Tim was talking about how love can fix anything. We are to show love. He went on about the service tonight and how it made him realize that God loves us and that Jesus died for us. How could love not fix anything?

I had a Honey Latte, and on the cup was a quote, “You can learn a lot more from listening than you can from talking. Find someone with whom you don’t agree in the slightest and ask them to explain themselves at length. Then take a seat, shut your mouth, and don’t argue back. It’s physically impossible to listen with you mouth open.” –John Moe

Hmmm…it got me thinking.

Do you know those people in which they are trying to be someone that they are not? I probably am like that at times. I might act in a manner that truly isn’t me. But you know what I mean…people who absolutely deny who they are. I find that I lose a lot of patience with them. It’s probably because I see me in their flaws. However, it drives me bonkers when people don’t accept who they are…I know at times I “re-examine” my call. I get that we are to question who we are, but there some things that you just have to accept about yourself.

As Tim and I talked, it made me think about a few people. I struggle with people in this situation. I want to affirm them with love but at times it is very hard. There are two sides of this battle. First, I can show love at all times and listen to them with love and understanding. Or I could be kind and put boundaries up. If I do the second choice, which for me is very hard as well, am I denying them the love that they deserve?

However, we are all human. We aren’t capable of showing the love that Christ has. I struggle a lot with this. I care a lot. I want to be able to show this love to all. However, I realize that as a person I cannot.

Why is it that there are some people that I could sit down with and listen to them forever and be perfectly content while with others it is a struggle? I like “the Way I see it” quote for a few reasons. First, it makes me realize that I need to be a good listener. Secondly, it challenges me to try and listen to those and see if I can better understand them. Last but not least, it raises questions for me. In Acts 10: 34-43, it is calling us to be witnesses. This means that disregard less of how much a person has wronged us or annoys us with little petty things, we should take the time to show them love in whichever way they need it. Be in prayer for those who are struggling to find themselves and those who are in need of patience.

Squeaks and Squeals....No!

As I stepped out of my office today to go and run errands, I was reminded of something. The fresh beautiful air made me smile. I was filled with peace and calmness. I had this feeling of joy. It was pure absolute joy! I started thinking back on my life. I thought of those moments that I was thrilled and had excitement to the bones. Some of those moments are brought out through events or people.

I recall my first time working with Project Transformation. It was crazy. I had never done anything like that. I was going completely on faith. I really didn’t know much about the program. All I knew was that we worked with kids and lived all together. It was scary. I didn’t know a soul. I was excited for it though. Once I got there, I became at ease. It is so hard to jump out on blind faith.

Then as I progressed through it to different positions, each time, I remember the joy and energy I had for the program. I remember the good and the bad, but mostly the good. I also remember more vividly when I first found out about getting the job at Wesley. As soon as I hung up the phone, squeaks and squeals were released. What a relief! What a joy!

Then my first day…first week…first month….everyday was an adventure. There was, is, so much joy in being here.

I was reminded with all these feelings as I left the building for a little while. I remember the excitement and energy that was just exploding out of me. I stopped to wonder…why does it take an event or a person to bring out such joy.

Matthew 21:1-11, The Triumphal Entrance of Jesus, I think of all those people and the joy they must have felt; the anticipation, the exhilaration, the joy. If I had been there I think I would have felt those feelings the rest of my life. What an amazing feeling of knowing and seeing the Messiah.

Each and every day, we shall live with such anticipation. Each moment should be enthralling and blissful. We shall live with the elation of seeing Jesus enter in on the donkey and colt.

I Vacuumed My Gloves!

Almost three years ago, I went on a road trip to Winfield, KS. I went with my friend Tara. We were going to go and visit Meg and a few others there. Tara and I had the greatest time driving up there!

Once we got to Kansas, we realized it was a lot colder. On Saturday, Meg, Tara and I went to Wichita. We stopped at the Old Navy. We found this great deal on gloves. 2 for 10! So, Tara and I bought a pair. My gloves were fleece and were very nice.

I had come back from the trip and that next weekend, I was going on another one with the Wesley Foundation. I was driving, so I took my car to the car wash. I then started vacuuming it out. I saw as I was vacuuming in the backseat, I saw my gloves on the floor. I leaned over and threw a glove on my seat. As I reached for the other, the hose caught the other one and like that, it was gone. I stood there holding my single glove and looking at the hose. Whoosh! There went the other one. It got sucked out of my hand. In like two seconds my gloves were gone.

This story is probably better heard out loud. It is rather comical and something that would happen in a sitcom. However, it’s all true. That is the story of how I vacuumed my gloves up.

This has been a crazy week. It has been one of many things: stress, business, and joy. It has been fast paced and it has been slow paced. I have been energized and I have been tired. One thing has been certain. It has been a week of exploration.

There have been times of questioning myself. I have been wondering who I am. What is my purpose? What am I doing? Why do I do that? There have been other questions…I am sure.

I’ve came to the conclusion that I am a person who strives to be a good person. As I’ve came to this conclusion, I began to wonder what makes a good person. I think if we look at the scripture 1 Corinthians 4-6, we can see how a good person should act through love. Love is what defines us and how we share this love makes up who we are. We are to be patient, protect, trust, hope and persevere. We are not to be envious, boast, be rude, or angered. We are not to keep record of wrongs. We are to forgive.

I wonder how we can do these things when we allow our lives to be consumed by the world. I know my life sometimes is over taken. I feel as though sometimes I lose control. My days are filled with going to the office, class, studying, Wesley Foundation, family, and friends. It becomes so stacked up sometimes, that I don’t allow myself that moment to stop and smell the roses, which is ironic.

As I keep going and going like the Energizer bunny, I feel as though I am pulling away. I feel disconnected from God, my family/friends, and myself. I am not allowing myself to be there for them. I close myself off to them. What good is that? How is that being good as I defined? It is not. What can we do to become revitalized? This week the scripture is John 11:1-44. Lazarus was brought to life. Over Lent, it is a wonderful time of being able to reflect.

It is very effortless to allow ourselves to be sucked up in this world. It is as simple as my gloves being sucked up in the vacuum cleaner. It took only a second of looking away for them to be gone. If we allow ourselves to look away for a short time - our faith can be sucked away.

We need to be aware and allow our faith to live on. As we have looked at themes of grace, renewal, and now resurrection, we can see how we should be living. It is not a simple thing to do. It is a struggle. Don't look away and watch out for the vacuum hoses out there!

That's what I'm afraid of...

Today, I found out that a dear friend passed away last night. It's been a long time since we've really seen each other. However, nonetheless I will miss him. He was a good man. My heart goes out to his family. He has a daughter my age and a son that is older. I was fortunate to talk to Jared to let him know. In our conversation, he asked how I was. I answered, with that or currently? He replied with that. I responded by saying, "I haven't really had time to process. However, I will be fine." Jared said, "that's what I'm afraid of."

It's been pointed out to me that apparently, when I'm not ok, my immediate response is I'm fine or I will be fine. I suppose I have the understanding that it is I who have to make myself become fine. I don't feel comfortable in sharing sometimes my feelings with others. It is not because of them at all. It's just me. I am the one with the problem. I'm not so sure if it's a problem or not. I keep trying to figure it out. I am capable of sharing my feelings it's just, I am sorry. I don't mean to hurt those around me. I feel as though, it does. I'm trying. I'm not so good at sharing because I don't want to be a burden. I know that I am not. It's just not in my nature to want to really have the attention to be focused on me.

At first, I wasn't sure what he meant. It caught me off guard. I then asked what he meant. He said I would figure it out. I then did. This morning, I had an impromptu Bible Study with a couple of the college students. We sat in my office and read Mark 4:35 -41. It's the story of Jesus calming the storm. I think that is part of my 'problem'. I know that Jesus will calm the storm. The winds will be rough and tough. It might be treacherous. However, I know that He will be there to fully understand how I am feeling, even when I don't. And even when I say, "I'm fine." He knows, (and a few of my friends) realize what I mean by that -F.eelings I.nside N.ot E.xpressed. Jesus will be the calming of the storms that are past, present, and future.

It's a Piece of Cake

I'm not sure what will come of this. I just needed to get out some concerns.

Have you ever wondered about frustration? How do you really explain this feeling? I think you become frustrated in trying to explain frustration. I looked it up in the dictionary.

frus·tra·tion [fruh-strey-shuhn] –noun
1. act of frustrating; state of being frustrated:
2. an instance of being frustrated:
3. something that frustrates, as an unresolved problem.
4.a feeling of dissatisfaction, often accompanied by anxiety or depression, resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems.
5. To cause feelings of discouragement or bafflement in

I like that it said the act of frustrating. It just uses it in a different form to define it. It made me laugh some. I really liked the definition of five; to cause feelings of discouragement or bafflement in...

That is a perfect way of explaining frustration. It's that sense of hopelessness. There are some things that are just out of our control.

This week, as we follow the lectionary, it's the story of the blind man. John 9:1-41, this story has always amazed me. First, I think we all think of this, Jesus spat on the mud and placed it on this man's face. How gross! However, it is a small price to pay to be able to see again. I feel as though, the blind man would probably be frustrated. This frustration came from not being able to see, being casted aside, and others not believing him. How awful to want to fit in and want people to believe you but then to top it all off - you can't see! It is such a powerful thing that the one who has been blind is truly the one who is able to see!

I think about my frustrations and visions. It's a toss up. There's a lot there. However, I want to be like the blind man! I want to stop and take a look around. I want every moment to be a moment where I take in Jesus. It's a hard thing to do but who ever said being blind was easy.

Thirst

I woke up around 3:40ish a.m. When I woke, I was a little groggy, but one thing was for sure. I was thirsty. After rubbing my eyes and laying in bed debating whether or not to hydrate myself. I decided, yes. I feel as though lately, I haven't been drinking enough. Partly, as lame as this is, about a week or so ago, I had my water bottle that I reuse, as I walked into church I tried to set it on the counter because my hands were full. As I did this I missed the counter, it fell. It apparently hit the corner and it cracked. So, therefore, I no longer have the bottle...which makes me drink less. As I awoke with this thirst and I had quenched it some...not to the fullest...I began to think.
This time of night...er morning, that's not a good thing or maybe it is. Dehydration, some of the symptoms are:

Dry, sticky mouth Sleepiness or tiredness Few or no tears when crying
Muscle weakness Headache Dizziness or lightheadedness

If you ignore this thirst, dehydration can slow you down.

Lately, I think this thirst is also for God. I haven't been getting enough. I'm feeling this thirst and I don't quench it. I don't obey my thirst. Instead, I become spiritually dehydrated. Symptoms of spiritual dehydration:

Dry mouth Lots of tears Attitude Weakness Etc.

I find when we become spiritually dehydrated, we aren't able to find the good. We allow our attitudes to become hard and dried. I find cynicism is not hard to reach. This dry mouth becomes full of bitterness and it is hard to proclaim the good news. Frustration comes and tears are easily ready. They come because you realize that you aren't allowing yourself to be filled with the thirst of Jesus.

John 4:5-41 is the story of the Samaritan Woman at the well. Jesus shares with her that he has living water that will never make her thirsty again! What a wonderful thing! Never to have the feeling of thirst again! Jesus never condemns this woman. He does not try to change her of her ways. We do not not her whole story. We just know that she has had five husbands and currently lives with a man. She, however, runs to spread the good news. She had become spiritually hydrated.

I was reading Rob Bell before I began this crazy blog. He was speaking of how our faith is like a trampoline. It's held together by springs that are too be stretched and it will hold it together still. He makes the statement, "...maybe that is who God is looking for - people who don't just sit there and mindlessly accepts everything that comes their way."

This I am thirsting for. I am wanting to be filled with Jesus. I, we, just have to take the time to search for the means to quench this thirst. Thirst is wonderful for our faith...it makes us want to drink up the living well. Spiritual dehydration could even be good. It allows us to question and push our faith but it's a fine line. Be aware of it - but nonetheless quench it.




I hope this makes sense. Being that I awoke and started pondering is always a scary thing nonetheless to try and post to the world.

Ready or Not

It's been awhile since I've done any type of blogging on the internet. I started to make a reference to The Office and Creed's blog in a word format. I'm not really sure how to begin. Except, I kind of feel lame...Steve and Thomas told me to do this. I wasn't but then just how things worked out, I thought I would give it a whirl. So, here we go on this journey.

It was cruel...it was dirty...it wasn't the nicest thing I've done today. As my best friend, *Steve was walking out of the office, I made the statement..."I'm doubting my call to ministry." I knew he was leaving. It would mean I could release this idea without really having to explore it. It's kind of like when you send a birthday card or something trivial; it means a lot but you don't necessarily give it another thought. **Then my other good friend, Thomas, was left to pick up the pieces of my misguided ways. Truly, we chatted for a little bit, then I did have leave.

I went on with the day of going to class, doing some homework, and going to a band concert, excuse me, recital. It brought joy to to see a couple members of my youth perform. They were so excited that I took time out of my schedule to come and watch them. The pride they showed filled my heart. After I parted from them. I returned home.

I started to work on tomorrow's lesson. I wanted to go over it and make it the buick of all lessons thus far. As I was reading the story of the Samaritian woman, I stopped, I would read a few lines, and then pause. I was taking it in as if it was the first time I had read it. As I was pondering, my Bible flipped. There laying in it was pages of notes. It was my one and only sermon.

I had preached at Harrah last May. I chuckled. I started to read through it, even though, I knew what it said. It brought warm memories back to life - things I haven't thought of in awhile. As I was reading a line caught me. I had just shared the story about how Steve had triggered a story for me...but then in the same instant as it appeared it was gone, like lightening. The only thing I could exclaim was, "That reminds me of a great story...that I can't remember now!"

I continued to say that sometimes we are filled with excitement and it doesn't pause for us to be ready. It is like hide-and-go seek. When the person is counting down; you are standing there, pankicking. "Where to hide?!? Where can I go?" It gets closer to one! 3 - 2 -1! Ready or not, here I come! You're left standing there - scared but thrilled. And even if we are not ready to be found, someone is still searching.

It reminded me as I reflected back to my doubts of ministry that I really don't know the whole of it. I do know with time, patience, discernment, and God, I will get it figured out. I'm petrified. I'm not sure if what I'm doing at the church is what I should be doing. However, ready or not, I will continue on and put my faith into God.

déselo a dios

*I originally was not going to use names...that was blown out of the water!
**This was added to appease certain people...some of this information is true. He he...