Still Pondering

I'm not really sure what to say. I just know that right now there's a wave of emotions for me. I struggle sometimes with these situations. It takes a lot for me to really really get upset on my behalf. For others, I know when I should be upset and how to help them. For myself, I don't know. I think it is kind of like the phrase, "hindsight is 20/20." When you look back, you can see things much clearer. Well, for my neighbor I have 20/20.

Anyways, part of me feels like maybe I'm overeacting. The other part feels this: A lot of times, I will bend backwards for others. If someone is in need, I will find time, even if that means that I will push everything back. Hence making me stay up later. Hence less sleep. But I will. You know why, because people matter.

However, there are a few times that I will ask something of others for myself. It takes a lot for me to do that. I'm not sure why, but it's a hard thing for me. Yet, it seems like lately when I do require of this of certain individuals, I am left hurt.

I truthfully can say that I would do pretty much anything for anybody...maybe even rob a bank. So, it hurts me when people can't manage to do that for me. It makes me sad, frustrated, and really for the first time, angry.

I realize that we are all not perfect, and yes, that does include me. I am not Jesus! I make mistakes too, hence why I'm not sure if I'm overeacting. But, I get frustrated at myself because in the end I know what will happen. I will somehow get over my issues and I will offer forgiveness because that is what I do. Now, that's not neccessarily a bad thing, but it's not always a good thing. Because some people will take advantage of this. Instead of learning from their mistakes, they will do it again. And yet, I'll probably forgive again.

So, at the end of the day, instead of really answering any real questions for me, I'm left still pondering. I feel worse than when things began because I now feel so awful for being a little selfish.

But you know, after stepping back from everything, for the most part life is good. It just isn't in this one little part. So, I suppose life is good.