Hope For our Future

There are and always will be those moments that define you. Some of those moments are so beautiful. There are so many examples - finding out that you've been accepted to college, being hired at a new job or promotion, a new baby, weddings, and the list continues. There are those huge life changing defining moments. Sometimes, they are not so good and beautiful. Those moments are finding out that people are not who they are, death or loss of a close friend, or a mistake that only took a second to change your life forever.

It is hard to believe that it does not take much to change your life. Oh, I had no clue of what this last year would be. I mean we never do. However, there's usually expectations and ideas of what it will contain. But this last year, I never once had any thoughts of any of the stuff that occurred.

Part of me wishes that it would be different. That it would have continued to be all sunshine and rainbows. But, the other part, the part that says, no, this is life. This is what you do. You keep going. You keep your chin up. You need to roll with punches. You need to let life happen and let be...knows that it is for the best.

For the best though, is not always easy.

This last year has been incredibly tough. I have questioned so much of myself and others. I, truthfully, lost a lot of faith in a lot of people. In fact, I am still unsure. I feel as though there are a lot people that are really crappy friends. But, on the other hand, maybe it is I that is the crappy friend. There's a lot of times, I don't put myself first. However, I feel like a good majority of this year has been about me and my hurt. I found myself at times saying that everything was fine when it was not. Because, I was exhausted of dealing with it too. There were times, that I truly needed people to call me out on it. There were times, that I needed something, someone...and I didn't have that.

Partly, that's my fault. I know. However, not completely. I mean, I'm not sure how anyone could handle the news I received a year ago. I know that people are only able to understand as much as you are able to communicate. But, there are times that it is not possible to communicate your feelings. I lost a very big part of my life that day.

There was so much that happened in that moment. I felt betrayed, hurt, used, guilty, worthless, devastated, my trust broken, and my breath was taken away.

Don't get me wrong, there have been some wonderful people that have helped in this time of need. However, I just didn't have a consistent friend, which is really something I needed. I still don't really, but with time, it will be ok.

For the most part, I have dealt. The other part? Well, it was pushed down. However, our God is good. Because the parts I didn't deal, God has been dealing with. The moments I've needed God - our wonderful Lord's embrace was there. I know that I am healing, it may take awhile still. It's surreal to think that today, will hopefully, be that closure.

As much as I cared for that individual, the only connection there is now, is that forgiveness. I know now that that is all it is. I still will pray for them and their family. However, that chapter is done. There might be flashbacks or references in the other chapters to come. However, it is not the whole story of my life.

As I continue to move forward, I know that is time for a new book. I'm excited. I started off the year with a new year's resolution: not to expect anything from 2010. This moment was a defining moment in my life, but it's not the moment that defines me.

Here's a quote that simply states how I feel:

Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.
-- Lewis B. Smedes