Such a mixture of life. I suppose with anything it's always a mixture. There's a lot of great things going on in my life right now. However, there are somethings that are not. I'm still healing.
I'm so tired of healing. I want to be healed already. I'm ready for life to move forward in that direction. I just, I don't know. But I do. I'm done with crying, but I feel like crying. I don't want to be told anymore how to do my job. I hate constantly reflecting. I sometimes just want to be. However, I don't know how to do that. I think mostly, I just feel so very much, alone. I hate that feeling. I know I'm not alone. I know that God is present. I see God's presence daily. But, as I've once heard, sometimes we need someone with skin. I want that. I need that. I have friends, but I don't feel that connected to them right now. I feel like their are barriers between us. I'm not sure if it's me putting them there or the others. I just want that connection. Someone to be able to call and share about what's going on in life, that person to tell stories to, watch movies with, just someone to be there for me once in a while. So many of my friendships are that I'm there for them. Yet, I'm suppose to be the one who has it together. Guess what. I don't necessarily do. There's still some hurt in me.
I'm moving forward, but it's still not over. Oh Lord, I want it to be. I want life to keep moving. I do. I know I will be just fine, I always am. But, every now and then, it's time for lament.
Psalm 130
1-2 Help, God—the bottom has fallen out of my life! Master, hear my cry for help!
Listen hard! Open your ears!
Listen to my cries for mercy.
3-4 If you, God, kept records on wrongdoings,
who would stand a chance?
As it turns out, forgiveness is your habit,
and that's why you're worshiped.
5-6 I pray to God—my life a prayer—
and wait for what he'll say and do.
My life's on the line before God, my Lord,
waiting and watching till morning,
waiting and watching till morning.
7-8 O Israel, wait and watch for God—
with God's arrival comes love,
with God's arrival comes generous redemption.
No doubt about it—he'll redeem Israel,
buy back Israel from captivity to sin.
1 comment:
hang in there. cling to hope. some days that's all you can do. but, like tony campolo says, Sunday is coming...
grieve, and hit that hard if that's what you need. and know that you will heal, you will laugh. life will come back. I mean, that's the whole point of Jesus coming to earth at all right? redemption. and His Kingdom and grace are bigger than even this thing. (sorry, hope this doesn't seem trite. I don't want to put out a bunch of christian-ese turds for you, but this stuff is real)
and a prayer for/over you in this time.
Jeremiah 31:3-7
3 The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying:
“I have loved you with an everlasting love;
I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.
4 I will build you up again,
and you, Virgin Israel, will be rebuilt.
Again you will take up your timbrels
and go out to dance with the joyful.
5 Again you will plant vineyards
on the hills of Samaria;
the farmers will plant them
and enjoy their fruit.
6 There will be a day when watchmen cry out
on the hills of Ephraim,
‘Come, let us go up to Zion,
to the Lord our God.’ ”
7 This is what the Lord says:
“Sing with joy for Jacob;
shout for the foremost of the nations.
Make your praises heard, and say,
‘ Lord, save your people,
the remnant of Israel.’
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