However, there is just so much running through my mind. Last Sunday was the spark of something. For the last 13 and half months, I have been running through the motions. I, of course, was doing it because it was survival mode for me. I had handle tragedy. I was processing, figuring out what next, then on top of that, life was still happening. Weird how that happens.
Then, when I thought that I was finally over it; something else would happen causing all to be ripped open yet again. That pain, hurt, humiliation, etc would feel like it was just yesterday. There were very good people there. Giving advice, support, laughing with me, giving those nice words of encouragement. As much as I would like to believe that I was ok....if I am honest, then I haven't been. Which, if you are really close to me, you know.
However, I've tried my hardest to be there for people. Unfortunately, that is not fair to them nor me. You see, because I haven't really been there. Sure, I've been present, but not. My heart wasn't completely in it, because I am still healing. My cup was running on the melted ice.
I used to really miss my best friend. Partly, I still do some. As with anything, after awhile of distance, they become a distant memory. Sure there's been times I've laughed this year, but I haven't really laughed.
Then, last Sunday at church we sang a hymn, This is a Day of New Beginnings. Oh how the words just jumped off the page at me. I really felt like it was a new covenant with God.
This is a day of new beginnings,
time to remember and move on,
time to believe what love is bringing,
laying to rest the pain that's gone.
For by the life and death of Jesus,
love's mighty Spirit, now as then,
can make for us a world of difference,
as faith and hope are born again.
Then let us, with the Spirit's daring,
step from the past and leave behind
our disappointment, guilt, and grieving,
seeking new paths, and sure to find.
Christ is alive, and goes before us
to show and share what love can do.
This is a day of new beginnings;
our God is making all things new.
I truly felt the presence of the Lord; whispering to me. This was God's promise that all of that other stuff was in the past. There is now the bright future, a new start, joy.
That Monday...I truly laughed for the first time.
Then, it happened again later in the week.
Then, there was this new lightness, I didn't feel the despair.
Lo and behold, I laughed again.
I felt something that had been lost. My faith and hope was born again. It had been there the whole time. God's been here guiding and nourishing. However, that love I once had for God was renewed. I started to pull down the barriers I placed. God's love was opening the door to my heart yet again.
Through the week, there has been some weeping here and there. I was quite confused, but realized, they were tears of relief.
I am so very thankful.
This, of course, brings us to why am I wake at 1:30 a.m.? Well, I was going through pics today on my computer. Of course, there were pics of my dear friend. That is the first time I have seen his face in a very long time. I remember that familiar friend. However, just as time does, he was just a memory. Some of those emotions came back. My stomach did that roller coaster motion were it falls to your toes. But, I am ok.
However, it has brought anxiety of sleep. Because, now, I am terrified of the dreams that are to come. I feel like my six year old niece. Who will pray with me that monsters or aliens won't appear in my dreams?
Nonetheless, there is staff meeting at 8:30 a.m. So, I should probably attempt to sleep now. The later part of the morning will come oh so soon. It may be one of those coffee sort of days. We shall see. Here's hoping for sweet dreams.
I'm happy from the inside out,
and from the outside in, I'm firmly formed. - Psalm 16:9 (The Message)
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