Na Na Hey Hey Goodbye!

Well, the rest of the week went by nicely. Good times at meetings and seeing friends.

It seems as though I have gotten to say goodbye to so many friends. However, there are several different kinds of goodbyes.

There's the painful ones. Those are the ones you don't really want to say good bye but it's time, even if you aren't ready.

Then there's the sad ones. Where you are excited for the new adventures that your friends are about to embark on. But still, sad to not see them.

Then there are those ones where you are happy to say good bye. No longer do you wish to be in contact. Sometimes, that can be painful too. But, overall a good weight is lifted off.

I've been watching Dead Like Me. I have found much admiration and love for the show. In fact, it's been quite therapeutic. However, I am afraid there's the possibility I may run around now with a potty mouth! Which could lead to some interesting church meetings.

But seriously, there are some memories that are hard to think about. At the time they brought joy. But, now under different circumstances, it brings pain. Is it possible to move through the pain and rejoice?

I just find the t.v. series to ask questions that we all ponder, but yet, we ignore them. Instead we move on.

I suppose I am writing all of this because there's been a lot of times this Spring that I have felt alone.

This morning though, I got up. Started some household chores. Then, I made banana nut pancakes. I sat and ate my breakfast. A lot of thoughts were running through my mind, but a feeling that coming was content.

Which is a good feeling at times. I am content where I am now because I will be moving on.

As much as I love where I have been for the last couple of years, it's time to keep asking questions, figure out answers, but mostly move on.

Rain Ninjas

Growing up I enjoyed reading Anne of Green Gables. The series itself brought spark, flair, imagination, dreams, hopes, and more. It gave a certain warmth to the heart. I would read and immediately put myself as Anne, as I am sure most girls did. I went around looking for kindred spirits.

“Isn’t it splendid to think of all the things there are to find out about? It just makes me feel glad to be alive—it’s such an interesting world. It wouldn’t be half so interesting if we knew all about everything, would it? There’d be no scope for imagination then, would there?” – Anne Shirley, Anne of Green Gables

The thing about Anne that relates to most is that she is optimistic and is looking to seize life to the fullest. I did for a long time. But, then life happened. I dealt with the lemons that were thrown. I tried to make lemonade, but somehow it was still sour.

Leaving me to realize that I had forgotten what it was to have that scope of imagination. So, the first time in a long time, I went and played in the rain. I realize this may sound like a metaphor, but literally, I did. So, in hopes of this blog, I hope to write about life - the good and bad. However, I want to focus on it being positive.


So, to start it off, here is the story of playing in the rain:

This afternoon, I was at work. There was not a whole lot going on. Earlier I had asked Tina if it was supposed to storm. She responded in saying there was a chance. I had seen statuses on Facebook indicating the thunder and such. Soon it started to sprinkle. Soon, it was pouring. It was nice big fat rain drops. There was a monsoon!


We got excited. I said that we should go play in it. She agreed. I was surprised. Asking if she really meant it. She said yes. I said, "Let's go!" So, we quickly shed our shoes and ran out the front door of the church.

It really was coming down down. We jumped in puddles, laughing and splashing. Talking about if people saw us what they would think. We enjoyed it immensely. We went back in. Our hair drenched our shirts soaked and happy as clams!

We took the back stairs to our office to surpass church members. We dried off a bit, but the temptation was there. The big drops were back. This time we slid out the side door. Quickly turning to splash through the puddles to the door. It wasn't coming down as hard as before. But again, we enjoyed it.

Soon, the rain began again. We decided to do it yet again. We hurried down the stairs and out the side door again. Planning on making the same route, we turned the corner to see a van present. We froze! We knew who they were. They were members of the church who would not be happy to see us barefoot, soaked, and not working even though it was around 5:30.

We both quietly slipped around the corner. We started to walk towards the front of the church. We didn't have our phones!! We couldn't call our music minister to let us in the side. We walked on. We knew we would get drenched. If only we could wait til they left then sneak pass. However, we didn't see that happening. Tina remembered that there was a possibility of having a master key on keyring. We tried the doors of the sanctuary. First key - no go. Second key - Success!!!

We entered in. Locked the door. Then quickly and quietly walked through the sanctuary and to the stairs to the balcony. We made it back to our offices unseen!

That's right, we are rain ninjas!!!!

1:37 A.M.

My eyelids are heavy. It's early in the morning. I have not fallen asleep. I know why. It is not because I am trying to finish a paper. It is not because I have so much to do. Instead, I am anxious of falling asleep. I've done a lot of things to distract myself from going to sleep. Shoot!! I even worked on a quilt! Who needs to do that at midnight? Apparently, me.

However, there is just so much running through my mind. Last Sunday was the spark of something. For the last 13 and half months, I have been running through the motions. I, of course, was doing it because it was survival mode for me. I had handle tragedy. I was processing, figuring out what next, then on top of that, life was still happening. Weird how that happens.

Then, when I thought that I was finally over it; something else would happen causing all to be ripped open yet again. That pain, hurt, humiliation, etc would feel like it was just yesterday. There were very good people there. Giving advice, support, laughing with me, giving those nice words of encouragement. As much as I would like to believe that I was ok....if I am honest, then I haven't been. Which, if you are really close to me, you know.

However, I've tried my hardest to be there for people. Unfortunately, that is not fair to them nor me. You see, because I haven't really been there. Sure, I've been present, but not. My heart wasn't completely in it, because I am still healing. My cup was running on the melted ice.

I used to really miss my best friend. Partly, I still do some. As with anything, after awhile of distance, they become a distant memory. Sure there's been times I've laughed this year, but I haven't really laughed.

Then, last Sunday at church we sang a hymn, This is a Day of New Beginnings. Oh how the words just jumped off the page at me. I really felt like it was a new covenant with God.

This is a day of new beginnings,
time to remember and move on,
time to believe what love is bringing,
laying to rest the pain that's gone.

For by the life and death of Jesus,
love's mighty Spirit, now as then,
can make for us a world of difference,
as faith and hope are born again.

Then let us, with the Spirit's daring,
step from the past and leave behind
our disappointment, guilt, and grieving,
seeking new paths, and sure to find.

Christ is alive, and goes before us
to show and share what love can do.
This is a day of new beginnings;
our God is making all things new.

I truly felt the presence of the Lord; whispering to me. This was God's promise that all of that other stuff was in the past. There is now the bright future, a new start, joy.

That Monday...I truly laughed for the first time.

Then, it happened again later in the week.

Then, there was this new lightness, I didn't feel the despair.

Lo and behold, I laughed again.

I felt something that had been lost. My faith and hope was born again. It had been there the whole time. God's been here guiding and nourishing. However, that love I once had for God was renewed. I started to pull down the barriers I placed. God's love was opening the door to my heart yet again.

Through the week, there has been some weeping here and there. I was quite confused, but realized, they were tears of relief.

I am so very thankful.

This, of course, brings us to why am I wake at 1:30 a.m.? Well, I was going through pics today on my computer. Of course, there were pics of my dear friend. That is the first time I have seen his face in a very long time. I remember that familiar friend. However, just as time does, he was just a memory. Some of those emotions came back. My stomach did that roller coaster motion were it falls to your toes. But, I am ok.

However, it has brought anxiety of sleep. Because, now, I am terrified of the dreams that are to come. I feel like my six year old niece. Who will pray with me that monsters or aliens won't appear in my dreams?

Nonetheless, there is staff meeting at 8:30 a.m. So, I should probably attempt to sleep now. The later part of the morning will come oh so soon. It may be one of those coffee sort of days. We shall see. Here's hoping for sweet dreams.

I'm happy from the inside out,
and from the outside in, I'm firmly formed. - Psalm 16:9 (The Message)

Hope For our Future

There are and always will be those moments that define you. Some of those moments are so beautiful. There are so many examples - finding out that you've been accepted to college, being hired at a new job or promotion, a new baby, weddings, and the list continues. There are those huge life changing defining moments. Sometimes, they are not so good and beautiful. Those moments are finding out that people are not who they are, death or loss of a close friend, or a mistake that only took a second to change your life forever.

It is hard to believe that it does not take much to change your life. Oh, I had no clue of what this last year would be. I mean we never do. However, there's usually expectations and ideas of what it will contain. But this last year, I never once had any thoughts of any of the stuff that occurred.

Part of me wishes that it would be different. That it would have continued to be all sunshine and rainbows. But, the other part, the part that says, no, this is life. This is what you do. You keep going. You keep your chin up. You need to roll with punches. You need to let life happen and let be...knows that it is for the best.

For the best though, is not always easy.

This last year has been incredibly tough. I have questioned so much of myself and others. I, truthfully, lost a lot of faith in a lot of people. In fact, I am still unsure. I feel as though there are a lot people that are really crappy friends. But, on the other hand, maybe it is I that is the crappy friend. There's a lot of times, I don't put myself first. However, I feel like a good majority of this year has been about me and my hurt. I found myself at times saying that everything was fine when it was not. Because, I was exhausted of dealing with it too. There were times, that I truly needed people to call me out on it. There were times, that I needed something, someone...and I didn't have that.

Partly, that's my fault. I know. However, not completely. I mean, I'm not sure how anyone could handle the news I received a year ago. I know that people are only able to understand as much as you are able to communicate. But, there are times that it is not possible to communicate your feelings. I lost a very big part of my life that day.

There was so much that happened in that moment. I felt betrayed, hurt, used, guilty, worthless, devastated, my trust broken, and my breath was taken away.

Don't get me wrong, there have been some wonderful people that have helped in this time of need. However, I just didn't have a consistent friend, which is really something I needed. I still don't really, but with time, it will be ok.

For the most part, I have dealt. The other part? Well, it was pushed down. However, our God is good. Because the parts I didn't deal, God has been dealing with. The moments I've needed God - our wonderful Lord's embrace was there. I know that I am healing, it may take awhile still. It's surreal to think that today, will hopefully, be that closure.

As much as I cared for that individual, the only connection there is now, is that forgiveness. I know now that that is all it is. I still will pray for them and their family. However, that chapter is done. There might be flashbacks or references in the other chapters to come. However, it is not the whole story of my life.

As I continue to move forward, I know that is time for a new book. I'm excited. I started off the year with a new year's resolution: not to expect anything from 2010. This moment was a defining moment in my life, but it's not the moment that defines me.

Here's a quote that simply states how I feel:

Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.
-- Lewis B. Smedes

A Time for Lament

Such a mixture of life. I suppose with anything it's always a mixture. There's a lot of great things going on in my life right now. However, there are somethings that are not. I'm still healing.

I'm so tired of healing. I want to be healed already. I'm ready for life to move forward in that direction. I just, I don't know. But I do. I'm done with crying, but I feel like crying. I don't want to be told anymore how to do my job. I hate constantly reflecting. I sometimes just want to be. However, I don't know how to do that. I think mostly, I just feel so very much, alone. I hate that feeling. I know I'm not alone. I know that God is present. I see God's presence daily. But, as I've once heard, sometimes we need someone with skin. I want that. I need that. I have friends, but I don't feel that connected to them right now. I feel like their are barriers between us. I'm not sure if it's me putting them there or the others. I just want that connection. Someone to be able to call and share about what's going on in life, that person to tell stories to, watch movies with, just someone to be there for me once in a while. So many of my friendships are that I'm there for them. Yet, I'm suppose to be the one who has it together. Guess what. I don't necessarily do. There's still some hurt in me.

I'm moving forward, but it's still not over. Oh Lord, I want it to be. I want life to keep moving. I do. I know I will be just fine, I always am. But, every now and then, it's time for lament.

Psalm 130
^1-2 Help, God—the bottom has fallen out of my life! Master, hear my cry for help!
Listen hard! Open your ears!
Listen to my cries for mercy.

^3-4 If you, God, kept records on wrongdoings,
who would stand a chance?
As it turns out, forgiveness is your habit,
and that's why you're worshiped.

^5-6 I pray to God—my life a prayer—
and wait for what he'll say and do.
My life's on the line before God, my Lord,
waiting and watching till morning,
waiting and watching till morning.

^7-8 O Israel, wait and watch for God—
with God's arrival comes love,
with God's arrival comes generous redemption.
No doubt about it—he'll redeem Israel,
buy back Israel from captivity to sin.