603 Friends

I find myself home after a long but rather fulfilling day. Today went a lot better than I thought it would.

However, I find myself on the computer. Where at as well?!? Facebook. I had it pulled up. I just stared at it. Why? I believe I was waiting to have some sort of conversation with people. Facebook is a social tool. In fact, I have 603 friends. Some are childhood friends, school friends, college friends, seminary friends, youth friends, pastors, mentors, family, etc. A wide array of people.

Some, I speak to often. Others, not so much. It is nice to see what friends from elementary and stuff are doing on the occasion. However, I continued to sit and wait.

My job so often involves people. I like people. So, it's a good thing that I work with people and get to build relationships. I just spent all day, 12 hours in fact with people.

So, why is that when coming home, I wait to have some sort of contact with the outside world?

Here is why. After going through survival mode and moving forward with life. There has been major changes in my life. Relationships have changed. A lot of the people whom I thought were dear friends were not.

About 10 months ago, I lost my best friend. He was the person I shared things with. Thoughts, feelings, stories, and he was the one that helped make some of those stories. I appreciated that friendship a lot then, but now, I really knew how important and dear it was to me.

Now, I don't have that person. I don't have people that I feel like I can open up and share my life with. Sure, I share things that are going on. However, it's a different kind of level and friendship. Instead, I'm left feeling something that I've never really felt before. I'm lonely.

I haven't really expressed this. How is it that you turn to a friend and say, I'm lonely. It sounds silly. I feel slightly silly. When all is said and done, it comes down to the fact that I can be there for so many people. Those people that I think are my close friends to whom I can call on, are not there.

It's not their fault. Life changes, relationships change, they/we move on.

However, I understand a lot of where these feelings are coming from. It's the time of the year where memories are so strong. There's lots of stress and changes. I need someone to be there for me. I want to be able to share my life and to know about theirs.

I'm praying this is only a phase and that it will soon be over. In the meantime, hanging on. I know it will all work out.

God never leaves us, so let us not leave God.