It's the New Thing that Counts

I suppose one day it will be a beautiful story. At times, I can see the beauty. Ha ha. Oh how I want to footnote right now! It's been a year of emotions. I've been reflecting a lot. I've been remembering a lot. I look back in my prayer journal. I smile, I feel silly, but then I feel hurt too.

Jan. - Oh at the very beginning, I was so in love. I just knew he felt the same. I listened to the songs he gave me. It was clear. It was a three movement CD. Started out with relax, be happy, to best friend songs, to I love you songs. Listening to those songs made my heart rejoice. We were best friends.

Then, we talked. Sure enough, we knew we were meant for each other. What a glorious month!

Feb. - I'm still very grateful for Thomas. If he hadn't of told me it would have probably been July or later when I found out. He told me the most horrible news you could fathom. There was an investigation.

That whole month was just awful! I had never felt so much pain, hurt, remorse, sigh, grief, etc.
I do know that I had to put aside a lot of my pride. I turned to my faith and let God carry me that month. That is the only way I made it that far.

March - As much as I still hurt, I had to keep moving forward. God still continued to hold me and fill me. I had to rely on so many others. But, most of all, God gave me the ability to forgive.

April - As all of the months, a struggle. I really found myself focusing on work. I still continued to pray for him and his family. Also, things were not going well with my roommate and I. That's also, when I decided to do seminary in the fall.

May - I really felt like I was learning and taking a lot out of life.

June - July - There was lots of camps and work. I really enjoyed this time because of the distraction.

August - I really felt like this time would be a time for renewal. A fresh start.

Sept. - The start of seminary. I was excited and nervous! Life was starting to be good again. I was looking forward to the new additions at work as well.

Oct. - Still my heart was at disarray, but I was moving forward with Candidacy and things were essentially well.

Then, November hit. Things were crappy at work. Politics at the church at its finest. Things were thrown so off kilter. Then, I got a phone call that I should never have gotten. It was so inconsiderate. It was a 30 minute phone call of manipulation. Which, I'm glad the social etiquette is to send a thank you card.

This month has been hard. As I said, I've looked in my prayer journal. Through it, I have had friend be there for me. However, I too have still been there for friends. I am so blessed that God has created me to be me. I know that through this, I've held my head high. I have been a Christian.

Also, a huge lesson for me, is that I don't like to be vulnerable, but who does? I like to be in control. I haven't really been for awhile. God has completely. I've had to break down my shell and allow my emotions to be put out there. Not only with God, but with others as well.

I know this struggle will soon be done. However, I am thankful for much in my life. I know that God will guide and be the love needed at all times. I'm ready for a new year with new fun joyous adventures!

603 Friends

I find myself home after a long but rather fulfilling day. Today went a lot better than I thought it would.

However, I find myself on the computer. Where at as well?!? Facebook. I had it pulled up. I just stared at it. Why? I believe I was waiting to have some sort of conversation with people. Facebook is a social tool. In fact, I have 603 friends. Some are childhood friends, school friends, college friends, seminary friends, youth friends, pastors, mentors, family, etc. A wide array of people.

Some, I speak to often. Others, not so much. It is nice to see what friends from elementary and stuff are doing on the occasion. However, I continued to sit and wait.

My job so often involves people. I like people. So, it's a good thing that I work with people and get to build relationships. I just spent all day, 12 hours in fact with people.

So, why is that when coming home, I wait to have some sort of contact with the outside world?

Here is why. After going through survival mode and moving forward with life. There has been major changes in my life. Relationships have changed. A lot of the people whom I thought were dear friends were not.

About 10 months ago, I lost my best friend. He was the person I shared things with. Thoughts, feelings, stories, and he was the one that helped make some of those stories. I appreciated that friendship a lot then, but now, I really knew how important and dear it was to me.

Now, I don't have that person. I don't have people that I feel like I can open up and share my life with. Sure, I share things that are going on. However, it's a different kind of level and friendship. Instead, I'm left feeling something that I've never really felt before. I'm lonely.

I haven't really expressed this. How is it that you turn to a friend and say, I'm lonely. It sounds silly. I feel slightly silly. When all is said and done, it comes down to the fact that I can be there for so many people. Those people that I think are my close friends to whom I can call on, are not there.

It's not their fault. Life changes, relationships change, they/we move on.

However, I understand a lot of where these feelings are coming from. It's the time of the year where memories are so strong. There's lots of stress and changes. I need someone to be there for me. I want to be able to share my life and to know about theirs.

I'm praying this is only a phase and that it will soon be over. In the meantime, hanging on. I know it will all work out.

God never leaves us, so let us not leave God.

God is Glorious.

This week started off so very rough. The news I received was quite gut wrenching. However, it was not like the news I got awhile ago. It was earth shattering, oh my gosh, what in the world kind of news. It was unsettling, but not completely disturbing.

Nonetheless, it means huge changes for me. I think the most I've learned about myself in the year of 2009 is that changes are a part of life. Some are good, some are bad, and some are mixed. I believe they are mostly mixed. We only like to think of them as being bad only. However, from a lot of those bad changes there are blessings.

In this year, I have been stretched and pulled in my faith - in unfathomable ways. I think I'll write a book in the future about such events. Anyhow, back to this week alone. It has been a roller coaster of emotions. I woke up Sunday never dreaming about the decisions I would be making this week. Each decision are BIG decisions.

The most important one to me right now is all that happened in the time frame of Tuesday to Thursday. Have you ever gotten a call from someone from your past? One that was not a good call. One that causes you to go into a panic attack with deep weeping. It was one of those phone calls. I was able to keep composure til after. However, I lost it then.

I am very fortunate to not live far from my friend/boss/senior minister. I went over to her house to debate the decision that is to come from that call. Everything that I had moved forward from was coming all straight back. It was not fair. It was not ok. It was pure audacity to even think they should call me. But, you know, in the moment, those thoughts were not there.

Wednesday was a day of coping. Finally, on Thursday evening, I had enough. After all that had happened in the week. I had no control. However, I could take the power away from them. I was not going to allow my life to be controlled anymore by them. I called. Now, not in a million years did I fathom that the person who answered would have.

I sat stunned, hearing that oh so familiar voice of my best friend. How I so wanted to just go back to the way things were. Just to pick up right where we left off. To go back to being so silly, laughter, the deepness, the love. However, that was not possible. He closed that door with his thoughtless actions.

I spoke my peace with such compassion and understanding, yet conveying my need for closure and to not be contacted again.

We said our goodbye. I got off the phone to be greeted with this feeling that I truly haven't felt in such a long time.

I was alive. I was joyous. I was proud. I was strong. I was loved by God. I was guided by God. I was given the strength from God.

Oh how majestic is our God!!! The things that have occurred this week have truly been blessings. This feeling is so joyous! I finally feel like I have closure. I finally feel like I can be truly be me again.

I am excited for the things to come. I know that through this all, I wouldn't have been able to make it without my faith. I am ever so thankful in the Lord. Never have I been walking alone. When I needed people, God sent them. When I needed to be pushed, God pushed. When I needed to let go, God took it.

Glorious is God. Glorious is God. God is Glorious. Amen.

Alright, Alright...I get it...I think.

Last week I managed to get 64 hours in. That's right, it's a lot. Some of it was fun stuff like dance recitals, an egg hunt, concert, worship, conversations, and more. However, there was the also not so fun stuff involved too. But, overall it was good.

Last week was long. There was a lot of opportunities for me to serve. Monday - had conversation with Tasha and spent time with family. Tuesday - met with a couple of my youth and talked with them. Wednesday - Helped Tasha and Jordan prepare food for the college lunch and helped a member of the church. Thursday - volunteered with Whiz Kids and a worship service Friday - helped a friend in need. Saturday & Sunday worked at the church.

Each day there was some sort of service involved. I normally don't look that closely back over the week to see what good I might have done. Instead, I live each day to serve. I wake up knowing that somehow I will do good. My favorite quote of John Wesley is, "“Do all the good you can, By all the means you can, In all the ways you can, In all the places you can, At all the times you can, To all the people you can, As long as ever you can.” I feel like that is so imperative to what our God calls us to do.

On Thursday, I went and heard Dr. Tony Compolo speak. He had wonderful things to say. It helped reaffirm some of my beliefs. He stated that our values in our country needs to start changing. Instead of us volunteering because of what we can get out of it; we need to start looking and seeing the needs and ministering to those needs.

Ever since then it seems like good deeds has been popping up for me all over. At Sunday school, the youth's lesson was about good deeds. They were challenged the week before to do good deeds. They were responding to how they did with that challenge. One turn and asked me what good deeds I had done. I started rattling off my week and then stopped.

I struggle with good deeds sometimes. I don't always consider things I do good deeds. Instead, I view them as a lifestyle. It's just a simple seemingly innocuous act. However, those very things are what make up being a Christian. We should be doing those things as much as how we breathe.

It should be a part of us. After helping out with a worship service Sunday, I kept getting thank you's from the other leaders. I had brought them a small gift and a thank you card. They told me I did a lot and thank you. I did no different from anyone else, except do what was needed to be done.

This got me thinking. Good deeds, indeed. I don't want to think anymore. I'm tired. I'm pretty tired from the week. I'm not sure how to respond to all of this. I'm worn thin. My patience has a short wick.

That study with the youth they used a verse from Galatians 6. I read Galatians 6:1-10 today. That really helped my spirits. I've been struggling with accountability and what that truly means. Whether or not to hold others to a higher standard or to lower my expectations. However, I believe that we should take our integrity and hold and cherish it.

I really loved verse 9, "So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up."

Even though, we might grow weary or tired at times, we are just physically tired. We are not too tired to continue to do good. We must persevere at all times; "At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up."

I had been ignoring a lot of what God has been saying to me. I kept hearing good deeds, but didn't really listen. Finally, today, when I was tired; I decided I would read the devo from upper room. This is what it is:

Command [those who are rich in this present world] to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share.

-1 Timothy 6:18 (NIV)

I love fireworks. I wait in the dark. BANG! A splatter of gold sparks fills the sky. They take my breath away. My face hurts from smiling. My ears ring from the noise. When the show is over, I picture in my mind the flashes of brilliance, and a twinkle of joy lingers.

When we do a good deed, it flashes a spark of pleasure in someone's day. We shine God's love into the lives of others. Good deeds are fleeting, though their memory lingers in the mind.

The flash of fireworks affects all those who see it. Love sparkles in the same way: we all feel the joy. Some "fireworks" are small and personal; opening the door for another and being courteous are like handheld sparklers. Some fireworks, such as publicly giving big donations to charity, get a lot of attention. The volunteer showing up every week to help is like fireworks that go on, explosion after explosion. When the annual fireworks show is over, planning begins for the next year.

We can each plan and be part of an explosion of good deeds. Today and every day, God can use us to shine the brilliance of love into the world.

Lisa Bogart (California, USA)

It made me laugh. I understood a little more of what God was saying. It's a little cheesy, but really I think God is too. We have to look for images of God everywhere. It's important to know that even in the hard times of life that God is there. But, most of all we can continue to do good deeds. Love it. Breathe it. Live it.

Neutral

I have no clue. I don't know. I'm not sure. I have no idea.

I'm really not sure of what to do. I'm at a loss.

I'm not sure what to say. I'm not sure of what I should do.

But, I'm beginning to realize something is probably going to need to happen.

It's really kind of hard to navigate when you don't know where you're going.

So, for the mean time. I think I'm just going to be. I'm not going to go in reverse, but I'm not moving forward either. I'm in neutral.

I hope that's cryptic enough for you world.