I suppose one day it will be a beautiful story. At times, I can see the beauty. Ha ha. Oh how I want to footnote right now! It's been a year of emotions. I've been reflecting a lot. I've been remembering a lot. I look back in my prayer journal. I smile, I feel silly, but then I feel hurt too.
Jan. - Oh at the very beginning, I was so in love. I just knew he felt the same. I listened to the songs he gave me. It was clear. It was a three movement CD. Started out with relax, be happy, to best friend songs, to I love you songs. Listening to those songs made my heart rejoice. We were best friends.
Then, we talked. Sure enough, we knew we were meant for each other. What a glorious month!
Feb. - I'm still very grateful for Thomas. If he hadn't of told me it would have probably been July or later when I found out. He told me the most horrible news you could fathom. There was an investigation.
That whole month was just awful! I had never felt so much pain, hurt, remorse, sigh, grief, etc.
I do know that I had to put aside a lot of my pride. I turned to my faith and let God carry me that month. That is the only way I made it that far.
March - As much as I still hurt, I had to keep moving forward. God still continued to hold me and fill me. I had to rely on so many others. But, most of all, God gave me the ability to forgive.
April - As all of the months, a struggle. I really found myself focusing on work. I still continued to pray for him and his family. Also, things were not going well with my roommate and I. That's also, when I decided to do seminary in the fall.
May - I really felt like I was learning and taking a lot out of life.
June - July - There was lots of camps and work. I really enjoyed this time because of the distraction.
August - I really felt like this time would be a time for renewal. A fresh start.
Sept. - The start of seminary. I was excited and nervous! Life was starting to be good again. I was looking forward to the new additions at work as well.
Oct. - Still my heart was at disarray, but I was moving forward with Candidacy and things were essentially well.
Then, November hit. Things were crappy at work. Politics at the church at its finest. Things were thrown so off kilter. Then, I got a phone call that I should never have gotten. It was so inconsiderate. It was a 30 minute phone call of manipulation. Which, I'm glad the social etiquette is to send a thank you card.
This month has been hard. As I said, I've looked in my prayer journal. Through it, I have had friend be there for me. However, I too have still been there for friends. I am so blessed that God has created me to be me. I know that through this, I've held my head high. I have been a Christian.
Also, a huge lesson for me, is that I don't like to be vulnerable, but who does? I like to be in control. I haven't really been for awhile. God has completely. I've had to break down my shell and allow my emotions to be put out there. Not only with God, but with others as well.
I know this struggle will soon be done. However, I am thankful for much in my life. I know that God will guide and be the love needed at all times. I'm ready for a new year with new fun joyous adventures!
